Don’t you Trust?

Finally come to dishearten season of my life again, which once again being prompted to write. Whenever being lost in a forest like-dat, I need to take out my compass (God’s words) once again.

A few things happened at work, which I do not want to elaborate here. No point elaborating when I am already feeling negative. Writing down the facts may just makes things even more gloomy. Instead I want to take this opportunity to note down what I learned during the weekend, the encouragement I received at Chin Chin & Elsie’s push cart, and the sermon at GLCC.

Being reminded about David and the goliath again. Enemies will always be there. And most of the time our enemies look much stronger than us. We shouldn’t be fighting the battle with our flesh but we should take the opportunity to look upwards and draw strength from God. Get through the difficult times with God’s power and strength not with my own – that is the only way to be victorious. Fighting with my own flesh provides no peace at all. I have also come to realized in situations such as this, how meagre my strength can be. None can be within my control, none at all. Need to learn to surrender all things to God and trust in His promises for me. He has already paved the way till the present, has there been any reason that I should doubt what God can do in the rest of my journey?

Submit to authority Anna. Let it go. This burden is not for you to carry. Let go, Let God. Why can’t you trust Him?

Personal Style

Went shopping almost immediately partly to celebrate and reward myself, but also I seriously need a lot of office clothing. Those I have really can’t be worn anymore; too loose, too old, or not formal enough (I can’t dress like a sweetie to work). I am roughly clear about the style of clothing and accessories I would like to look for. Certainly want to avoid the constant mistake of getting the wrong items that waste oodles of money, space in the closet, and guilt for being unwise and clueless.

I couldn’t believe I couldn’t get anything from Orchard on Sunday afternoon. Either too big, or not my style. I must have looked at 300 clothing that day, but only manage to get some lovely accessories.

Ended my major shopping expedition on Monday; during lunch with Michelle at Raffles – a highly rated place to get my office wear from now on. What I bought:

- one beautiful champagne Swarovski crystal earrings (simply love it!)

- another 3 pairs of earrings (seriously I don’t need many but uncle Patrick gave me a good deal at his shop)

- 4 skirts – black, white, brown, and beige.

- 3 blouses – 1 black shirt w poker dots (the design simply caught my attention since a week ago) from The Station, another white, light brown from OMAC.

Obviously, needed to clear my wardrobe to have more room, got a Toyogo (huge) container to store clothes I seldom wear but still like to have them around. I have another pile for clothes I am sure and certain I do not wear anymore. These clothes are my personal shopping failures. They are either the wrong sizes, miniskirts that are too bold for me to own, bland neutral boring outfits, designs and cuttings that highlight areas that I don’t like, clothes that are too baggy for fatphobic seasons.

I love my new wardrobe : ) I am proud of it. Fashion is superficial I agree, and following does makes me materialistic. But I have learned recently that what not to wear has nothing to do with fashion, but with personal style. Fashion makes a woman insecure. Personal style is derived from you. Personal style has nothing to do with oodles of money. I have realize if I buy what I really like I will be satisfied and stop looking for more (and stop wasting). Style has no price points, my clothes ranges from a hundred bucks (very few – in fact – and never really got beyond that), to those that only cost 10RM.

If you are fun-loving and intelligent on the inside, you can love them on the outside too. This is not being superficial. I see it as celebrating your entire person.

Was sorting out my accessories I learn to say goodbye to buying 3-for-10RM-earrings. Not that they are ugly, but usually they are too funky for me, and only get to realize it much later after getting it continuously my each trip to KL for 2-years. Those stuff are BATA (buy and throw away) blacklisted for sure now onwards.

I must have looked at 500 clothes before buying what I bought this time. Goodness. But is worth it, as long as it has intrinsic values; not just a tint foolishness on fashion. Many times when I asked for friends opinions about particular clothing – they would say “that’s very Anna”. I prolly take it as a kind gesture of saying “I don’t like it but is your style”. Is good to know I have created my own personal style and I do like it very much.

Two Research Article

Okay. I need some form of release. Shall do it here! I think I think, I will be really busy soon. I mean REALLY busy. I was shocked (slightly excited too) when Mond emailed me about working on two research article instead of one. Erm… I am not confident about the speed that I work at. I prolly take sometime. I will really take SOME(A LOT)TIME. Oh… many many things to do. And I am going to start work soon. Oh please I need the energy! Nevertheless publishing a research paper is definitely something I DO NOT wanna missed. Especially with Mond’s kindly offer to help. Thank God for this opportunity.

Insomnia Night

Can’t believe I can’t sleep tonight! I have been sleeping well the past 2 weeks. A BIG sigh… my guess is about the IMH reply – nerves problem again! I am going to call them tomorrow. I am getting abit edgy – Nope, is extremely edgy! Besides, I can’t wait for too long, gotta reply to APSN by Friday. Anyway byee… I shall knock myself to sleep now. I did asked mum to confiscate my sleeping pills so is out of my reach no matter what now. I have to find a way…

Missing You

I still think of granny. Sadness may have passed but the grief of losing someone remains. Whenever I think of her, there is a sense of heaviness in me (I did not gain weight, don’t think so) felt that my heart sorta sink into the deep lonely ocean.

Often people will say ‘I am sorry for your lost’.. when they knew about granny not being around anymore. I wonder why nobody will say that to someone who ended a relationship with a boyfriend/ girlfriend. What is the difference? When people breakup they grief too.

To say the truth, I was never able to comprehend how it felt like losing someone you love – as in to death. Remember the last time I lost my paternal granny, I didn’t feel much; it was a silence release. So I did not expect it to be difficult this time. Perhaps because my maternal granny is a lovely lady. I can’t point out anything I wish to change about her or any flaw I dislike. I love her so much, such a gentle nice lady how can I not?

As for the feelings of Breaking up in a relationship – I am a veteran. Too many of my friends have been there, done that, survived, and some drowned; enough case scenarios for me to be a guru. The feeling? Excruciating pain somewhere at the left side of the chest – the heart.

So that is the difference? One heart will sink into the deep lonely ocean another will experience excruciating pain? Hmm… I don’t know.

Still miss granny…..

Enjoying Life

I am sleeping much better – getting my 7 hours and 1 hour afternoon nap almost daily. Though there are times where I experience difficulty falling asleep still – the intensity is much tolerable. I have also been taking care of my diets making sure I am having sufficient nutrients to waste off my endless frail look. Remembering my daily dose of vitamins C, E, B, iron, and ginseng; Of course my health is improving! How can it not be?

Life is good Thank God. He has provided me with all that I need and even more. Spend my days downloading countless sermons, and spending time reading and reading books I bought during the weekends. I am feeling so free – I mean freedom. I feel so comfortable by myself that I am not motivated to get out of the house at times. From history I know this will not last, I will start feeling restless and create some trouble and drama in life to fill my mind with.

Almost a daily late night call from UK was something to look forward to at times. We had fun, teasing, being teased, poking and talking to each other. I like the word ‘dear’ when is used it make me feel loved and adored. Half the globe away we still manage to go through the ritual of having some bites of arguments. And I thank God at the end of the day that is over and settled, back to laughing, smiling and being sweet.

I received an offer from APSN and currently putting it on hold in hope that IMH will accept me into their culture. Waiting needs patience, and a person like me doesn’t have much of it. It was excruciating knowing that I need to wait another 2 weeks for IMH to get back, which that was after I had waited 1.5 weeks for the interview to come. Yes indeed was killing me inside, dying to know my destiny. That’s why I spend my day surrendering in prayers, or rather distracting myself with it. Nope prayers were always sincere it wasn’t a way of distraction nor escape but a release talking to a long faithful friend above. Nonetheless I constantly distract (also soaked and enjoying) myself with readings and readings, news magazines to get updated about the latest news and politics – which I manage to understand half of it – Bravo! as this is better than nothing.

Currently corresponding with Dr Mond , a experienced researcher who has kindly showed his interest in my thesis and discussing about publications. That means work, extra work, reliving the days of writing my thesis… Not very excited about that idea, but to have my name and work printed in one of the journals is certainly tempting and perhaps worth the extra mile – can imagine my lecturer slapping my face yelling of course is a Good very good opportunity.

I have also prompted my ASD kids’ parents that I will be stopping my service after securing a FT job. One parent seems very affected. Actually both. Both mums seem to be entering the gates of depression. So heavy hearted that I avoid bumping to them – I didn’t want to breath in the negative wind. There is always a silent celebration in me whenever I don’t see the mums at home. Not very professional huh? Yeap, everyone is entitled to secrets of unprofessionalism. Don’t you?

Wrapping up my ABA sessions maybe a difficult issue for me; leaving the kid just ladat? Because of my plans to leave, the parents have to crack their heads and get depressed over new plans. I feel bad, on the otherhand I can’t wait to run. Seeing my kid going through biomedical treatment and all the arising behavior issues.. I am starting to lose my confidence – well what the heck I am not an expert and I am only human. I have ritually reminded myself of my abilities and that I am not to blame when they throw tantrums and scream out loud in front of me. I am not to blame, is the biomedical treatment.

I am being patient and still maintaining my cool composure very well, while waiting for coming plans to be more concrete.

I love my life now. And btw I am not working tml : P

Memory of Dear Granny

She was a very nice lady, who never gave much problem to anyone. I never hear her nagged nor complained about life. I remember those days she used to wear a (old fashion) huge straw hat when she leaves the house to the market. She was a great cook and loved to invite neighbors for humble feast. She was kind and always took care of the people around her despite being a widow and raising 9 kids on her own. She survived. There must be a great sense of achievement in her as she watched her children grow up and bore many other grand children into the family. In those days her house was called the “headquarters”; where children and grandchildren will come back for weekly gatherings, grandchildren would ran round the house playing hide and seek, granddaughters would be playing dolls, and some sat beside her watching TV.

She passed away on the 11^th of February. I miss her… I wish I have just one more day with her. I would touch her face and give a hug and tell her she is the greatest granny. I will tell her I am sorry that I raised my voice at her once. I am sorry that I didn’t hold her hand long enough to let her know I love her. I miss you granny, you will always be in my heart… always…I love you

Lost in 2009

I have been slacking ever since coming back from Chinese New Year. A lot of things on my mind – plans for 2009 – what career path should I be taking? Very fortunate to be shortlisted for a few interviews, and strangely none excites me. I wonder why? Lost but trying to find a way, I reluctantly accept an offer from a Developmental clinic. To my surprise I receive an email minutes after that I was shortlisted for a position in IMH. Totally confused, but right now, I have already lapse the offer from the developmental Clinic to go for the IMH interview. Is complicated! Anyway, after much thought, this opportunity from IMH is the only opportunity that excites me and the only one that I am passionate about so far. The interview is on the 10th of February, and I am looking forward to it. Please pray for me. God has the best plans : ) this has never fail to be evident in my life.

Counting Down to Submission Date

Two more days – I am counting down to 20th of Jan, my thesis submission date. Couple of things I plan to do thereafter before driving in to Malaysia for CNY on Friday. Pack my room, burn useless journal articles, body massage, clear my unwanted shoes and clothes, pass New Year goodies to my friends. On top of that I will be working as well.

Currently on the lookout for Jobs – kind of lost. For the first time I don’t know what I job I am looking for, not excited about going for interviews, nor fighting to win good impression. I am planning to study in 2010, so I am just planning for 2009 – a temp job. Perhaps continue my freelancing, which I am reluctant to. Why? I don’t know. Hah! Maybe I miss sitting in a air-condition room and wearing skirts to work instead of kids sneezing mucus and saliva on me. Kena bruise every now and then. I am not too sure either? Hah.. Perhaps I am not in the mood, I have not submit my thesis yet. I don’t plan to make any major changes to my thesis writings anymore! Enough!! It has come to a stage I am tired of reading my own writings and feel like puking over it. Is like eating fish and chips everyday for a month.

It can’t be perfect! Learn to live with it, you did what you can. There sure will be imperfections, so what? Is not the end of the world, come On! My sup? Haven’t been of much help… I am sure to acknowledge the independence she has bestowed onto me in the Acknowledgements. Thank God for friends who spend their time helping me to proof read my work, and giving valuable advice. Thank God for friends : )

Have been taking sleeping pills for a month or so.. realized it could be a possible cause to my recent forgetfulness, and difficultly to stay focus. Such as press the wrong button on the lift, send sms to the wrong person, confuse over the sequence of events that happened minutes ago. Stopped taking it the pills ever since, just have to work a little harder to get to sleep.

Photos From Phuket